A Very Nice Correspondence from HR Re: Return to Office

A Little Levity for your Friday! Hope to see you at NAPEO!

By Beth Teitell, Globe Staff

Our Chief Heart Officer will answer your questions as soon as her twins are out of quarantine!

ADOBE, ALLY RZESA/GLOBE STAFF

Dear Colleagues,

Thank you for attending the company-wide Zoom, and for your (numerous) questions in the wake of our updated return date announcement!

We understand that 2043 sounds like a long way off, but we are pleased to let you know that we are targeting Q1.

Julia will answer your concerns in greater detail at our next Zoom, which will be scheduled as soon as her twins are out of quarantine and able to return to day care.

For those of you who have not met Julia, she’s the new Dominique, who was the new Jada, who replaced Tom, who filled Arjun’s shoes, who stepped in when Darius left in March of . . . Who The Hell Can Remember Which March It Was Anymore.

In the meantime, here is what we can tell you!

Many of you have asked if it’s normal to feel like you’re alone on a rowboat that’s getting farther and farther from the shore, to the point where you can no longer see land, or even remember that there is such a thing as “land.”

Yes! This is a perfectly healthy response that in no way indicates you are becoming “unhinged” — as my teenager called me yesterday, hahahahaha.

Many productive employees spend hours lying on their living room floors staring at the ceiling, wondering about the meaning of time, as there seems to be no past and no future, only a very dull and very long “now.”

In fact, if this is you, congratulations! You have reached a wellness goal that the mindfulness community calls being “present.”

ADOBE, GLOBE STAFF

We will ask those employees who have reached this enlightened state to fill out a brief, mainly anonymous, survey. If you, or your manager, feel that your “mental state” is making it harder to meet the performance standards we’ve started measuring with our new tracking software, please reach out to HR (on your own time, or it will further weaken your performance numbers, hahahaha).

As explained in previous outreach, our investment in tools that are able to track keystrokes, eye movement, body shifts, and Netflix usage is an employee benefit proven to help YOU be the worker you want to be.

Regarding the dress code, and whether it will be relaxed going forward to allow “soft pants,” slippers, and top-only business attire:

We will be keeping our “suits and dress shoes” policy, but we are thrilled to announce a “fashion freeze” for a six-month period. Anything that was in style in March 2020 will be acceptable in Q1 and Q2 2043.

ADOBE, GLOBE STAFF

Hi, quick note, this is Alyssa! I’m taking over for Rose, the human resources gal who was writing to you at the beginning of this note. Rose has left to spend more time with family (wink wink, hahahaha).

Oh, I’ve been alerted to a change in policy. Starting tomorrow, we’ll be doing a soft return, and will be coming back to the office in a hybrid manner, at 9 sharp. Please plan child care, transportation, and weight loss accordingly.

Your manager, if he or she still knows where in the world, or even who, you are, will reach out with your assigned time slots. Workers should plan on being in the office 2.5 days per week, spread out over five days, alternating mornings and afternoons.

In answer to the question no one has asked yet, we are not sure if you will have your same desk.

During this period of “working alone together,” the number crunchers have shown management figures documenting hundreds of thousands of dollars in annual savings if we go to a “hostel” style desk plan. This allows several employees to share one desk — at the same time — and has the bonus benefit of hastening the “so glad to get reacquainted” period.

ADOBE, GLOBE STAFF

In response to questions about violations of HR policies, please be advised that our policies will remain the same, with one important update: All violations must now be conducted in a COVID-safe manner, 6 feet apart, masked, with sanitized hands, and preferably by the vaccinated.

And finally . . . Please enjoy the “Welcome Back!” goodie bag on your tiny scratch of desk! The $20.43 deduction you’ll notice in your paycheck is to cover the costs of the gourmet gummy bears and flimsy company-branded tote selected by my predecessor as her final act. Thank you, Rose!

Source: Beth Teitell can be reached at beth.teitell@globe.com. Follow her on Twitter @bethteitell.